Here goes...

I am just feeling so overwhelmed today with so much.

I miss my wife, I miss my friend, I miss my lover, I miss so much about my spouse. I think that I am just the biggest plague of her life, and it is hard to let myself miss her when I am so bad for her.

It just hurts sometimes, especially when I think about what about us made me happy, what I thought made us happy. Because, in that context, I have no idea what really made her happy about us. It seems not much, on the grand scheme of us.

I have just been feeling low lately, and like she just can't wait to get away from me, and get away from everything me.

She assures me that this is not entirely so, but not that it is not so, and that we will 'still be friends' and that 'she just needs to have her own space'. It is not what I would expect either if she was trying to get away from me, but not if she wasn't. I know I prolly should just stop expecting things, it certainly isn't helping.

I am just so sad. She was the most important person in my life, whom I have shared so very much with. But I have to weigh that with the fact that I am toxic to her, at least right now, and at least in the areas that mean the most to me. As Family, as a Best Friend, and as a Lover. It makes me so, so very sad.

So I wait, and help her however I can, and see where things go. It seems completely lame, and painful, but there is nothing else that I can do.

Right now, life sucks... a lot.

P.S. I have no idea what this means, but I get frustrated with people trying to make my pain 'go away'. Perhaps it is me being overly Emo, but it seems to me somehow awry to have someone make it 'go away', even if it were my wife. It seems like something I am just supposed to weather. However, I also think this is wrong. I feel like I am supposed to do something, but I have no idea what.

Not sure who is all still out there... Been posting most of anything either on Twitter, or on MySpace, which I swore long ago I would never touch with a 10 foot pole *hahaha*.

I am now in the middle of a Separation from my wife, janepagan.

We still live together, but are not a couple at all anymore. This is also only temporary until she can get her own place nearby, then we can work out the details of kiddies and bills and all that other stuff.

I still work at Yahoo!, but have been home sick yesterday and today, which sounds like small potatoes compared to this previous piece of information, but I guess it is something you get used to.

Well anyways, you can imagine how good 'ol Emo me has gotten along with the situation so far... but I have managed to live and we are still on good terms at least.

I only wish that my life felt like it made more sense, but yet it is making less and less...

Anyway world, thanks for listening.

This isn't new, but I just forgot it was out there and love it...

( Funny song, but not for everyone )

Random stuffage:
( This is not very long, but is still behind here just in case )
Yoink!

Psychoanalyze Yourself; Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read what each answer means. (No cheating!)

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who is with you?
Corrine.

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal?
Snake

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
I sneak up on it, watch it for a while. I like the way snakes look, they have always been cute and cuddly to me. After watching it for a while, I capture it and take care of it. I try to make sure to take the time to make it feel comfortable around me.

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your DREAM house. How big is it?
Huge. Big enough to contain any internal structure or item that I might ever want. Plenty of room to run and play hide-and-seek.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
No. It would be surrounded by acreage of densely forested deciduous woods, maple, oak, and walnut. Lots of duff on the ground, and plenty of ferns.

6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?
On the the cherrywood table, inlaid with many intricate and personally meaningful metaphors, I see a black and metallic runner tablecloth worked in both fine woven cotton, and golden and silver thread with a simple pattern of leaves and laurels. On the table would be well used and sturdy, but polished and clean full silver set for 12 and a exquisite dishes of handmade pottery(probably by myself if I practiced long enough, used to make some pottery art as a kid ;D), made with a black and gold simple leaf design etched into the outside or rim depending on the piece. This whole array would fill the table exactly, allowing the matching cherrywood, claw-footed chairs to sit around the table comfortably and allow each person enough room to have an array of dishes at their reach without crowding each other, probably some 30 feet long and 8 feet wide.

For this, there would both be an invariably magnificent feast of both vegetables, fruits, casseroles, meat dishes, and various non-sugary pastries to feed all the people there. Along with the food, a range of drinks would be served by a wet-bar, consisting of anything from a glass of milk to a screwdriver, and all manner of alcoholic and dry drinks.

For this magnificent feast, all the chairs would be taken up with both my closest friends, closest family, and also those whom I admire. I would also be happy to lead a basic ceremony thanking them for their attendance, and enjoy making sure they are all well served, and I garauntee that most of the dishes I would oversee the preparation or completely make myself. I like to put my emotion into dishes and into others' bodies.

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
I very simple, elegant silver chalice. Designed to imitate a martini glass with worked vine and leave design around the base working up the handle and around the base and outside of the cup itself.

8. What do you do with the cup?
Bring the glass up to my nose. Smell the aroma. Pick up the woody, berry scent of my favorite noir wine. I roll the rich, slightly opaque, bloody red liquid within the confines of the lip of the chalice, admiring the moonlight mirrored in the surface. How the depths of the glass the beams penetrate only so far, to be lost in the murky red. I sip it, just to get the slight tang of alcohol and the richness of a concord grape and maybe slightly cherry flavor, mixed with a slight taste of the smell of pine. All rolling around in my mouth as I savor the impact on my tongue as it touches my taste buds again and again. Finally, as I feel I can keep my throat dry no longer, I revel in its richness and simple complexity as I guide it to the back of my throat and smack my lips in satisfaction.

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the end of a body of water what kind of water is it?
A large still pond, but one formed by a natural spring. Far off to the other side, some 500 yards or more, is a small stream leading away, that provides the slightest whisper amongst the rocks. The surface is still, so that I can see the constellations, the moon, and even the slight purple black on the horizon behind the tops of the lush forest on its reflection. The telling giveaway is not the difference between up and down, but the slight mist ascending from the lake that gives the reflection a slight smudge of detail, resembling a Rembrandt. It gives the impression that the ground has fallen away and the heavens have swallowed me whole.

10. How will you cross the water?
First I will disrobe. I will leave none of my clothes to interfere with my experience. I will wade into the slightly warm water, until I am waist deep, feeling the silt in between my toes, oozing and slippery, yet inviting more penetration. Once I am in up to my waist, I slowly let my body sink into the water, feeling the surface roll up my body as I sink. Once I am in up to my neck, I close my eyes. Continuing to sink, I feel the water engorging itself on my jaw and chin, I inhale a deep breath and close my mouth as I descend, until I am completely immersed in an near black darkness.

I keep my eyes open as I swim underwater, enjoying the crystal silence, only slightly disturbed by the occasional churn of water as I push myself along. The beams of moonlight start out fat and encompassing, but as I travel and cause the miniscus of the surface to ripple and gyrate, the beams break up into more and smaller lines of white light, penetrating down to a lake bottom that resembles a rolling desert of flat dunes. After a few minutes of this, I slowly rise to the surface, allowing my head to break the surface very very slowly. Once my mouth and nose are above the limits of the water, I exhale slowly and controlled, and then take a large slow breath, noticing how chill the air is, crisp and still. I slowly descend and resume my underwater butterfly strokes, admiring the quiet, and colorless desert fantasy land of anti-gravity and solitude.

My answers against what they mean surprised me. 0.o
( What each question means )

This is funny, I am upfront, but untrustworthy. Does this mean I am being upfront or not?

.....*sings to self* I know something you don't know.....

Cackles maniacally!!!!

Lifted this one, I had to....

Okay, we have all seen them, but since they are making me feel better, I am going to post them here for who ever bothers to read my LJ:

Dr. Tran in Dr. Tran Commercial

Dr. Tran in Roybertito's Commercial

Dr. Tran's Summer Splay Giveaway

Dr. Tran Goes to Toy Cack

Dr. Tran Goes Camping

Dr. Tran's Peanut Butter Square Hula Quest!


Just because it has Dr. Tran in it

There, I feel a bit better, now if I could get another flogging, I think I would be set.

Having a hard day for some reason. Not sure why. I think having too much time alone is both rewarding and painful.

Anyone ever feel like this:

I stand at a mirror, the liquid stillness shows a person I hate.

Too short, skinny and flabby.
Glasses, my eyes betray my flesh.
Skin that is pale, but where allowed to burn.
Bones and skin, scraggly hair.

Thoughts askew.
Emotions tear down walls
Pain for no other reason than to feel.
Love, peace, and happiness are gone.

There was a time when I had a future.
When my mind could open many doors.
I feel lost, like a compass too far north.
Solitude is my cage, like my reflection trapped in glass.

I hate myself for my weaknesses.
I wish I were somewhere else, someone else.
Everywhere I look, I see peace.
Eyes open, spirits free, unburdened by their solitude.

I am an island, a keep of solace.
Only no-one visits me for peace.
Like a weatherbeaten castle, forlorn.
I hear the wind and see time.

My redeeming value is my patience, my ability to endure.
My ability to care, in spite of everything.
My need for love.
My pain.

I cry sometimes, but not for myself. I cry because I want people to know I love them. I want people to know that they are not alone. I want people to know that people like me watch them, think about them, and even when you may seem alone, I will be thinking of you.

I hate days like today, I feel empty.

This is why:

China is trying to scare us, and thanks to our media it just might work!

I wish more government organizations were as willing to help as DARPA.

This is another reason besides the Robo-Rally Race to love DARPA, but before you start thinking they are the best thing since sliced bread, check this out:

DARPA History

They are both interesting, and really strangely involved in a lot of suspect moments in history.

You know, there is such thing as too much of a good thing, then there is too much of .... this:

Real World 19?

Now, this show is important, as it really started the 'Reality TV' craze, so it should be duly noted that it is an important landmark of a show.

But my response is to take it out back and shoot it, it is not just 'Older than your sister'. Personally, I think that since all TV is another form of mass media, you have to look at it in Cat Years. Now how old is this show, and how long ago should it have keeled over in its litter box?

Oy!

A great new drinking game

This is both impressive, and... something. This is probably one of the weirdest applications I have seen a video game used for, but at least it is with the best intentions.

I just don't wanna know what the Janitor has to go through cleaning up the bathroom after some drunken fool tries really hard to turn his car.

*shrugs*

Get this,

J&J Sues Red Cross Over Trademark Breach

I can't believe that a corporation has the brass ones to sue an organization like the Red Cross!

Here is what RedCross.org has to say about it.

“For a multi-billion dollar drug company to claim that the Red Cross violated a criminal statute that was created to protect the humanitarian mission of the Red Cross—simply so that J&J can make more money—is obscene,” said Mark W. Everson, President and CEO of the American Red Cross.


OMFG, WTF! All lawsuits should have a screening for an 'Are you that much of a dumbass/prick' test before getting a proceeding.

And to think these people are making influential decisions and appearances in our society.

People shaped by events like these.

I don't blame them, or think that this means they are wrong or bad. But if they look at their own past with such shame, how do they see the rest of our society?

I am glad my life is not so complicated.

This article is great, and this is how all concerns about the function and problems experienced by a user should be handled my the manufacturer.

Now only if we could get that from government officials, agencies, and services.

Ok, I know it will be a cold day in hell first, but at least we know there are ways to do it....

New Airline Hotel Design

I like it, it has the modern slick look, and saves space. It is weird, but even though I am claustrophobic, I think I would at least like to try it out.

Makes me think of Ikea. I like it.

Here are my recent accomplishments:

I just got a near perfect score on my latest monthly QA review, a 98%. My Team Lead even said she tried to dispute that. That from an 89% last month.

I posted earlier that I had a short story from my group "_Asylum_" make a book they are putting together from all the 'inmates'. It was a personal triumph for me, as I don't typically write stories as they are not usually well written.

I finished my first rough draft of a rewrite of a short story I had written a long time ago, and this time from the first person, instead of the third person. It will be posted soon.

( Here is the Promised Short Story )
Please tell me what you think, I would appreciate it.

I am so excited, my post made it!!!

Yay!

This may contain disturbing or upsetting material, please be advised that if you are not comfortable with that kind of material, please do not visit this link.

Mine is the one about the car/pedestrian accident. It was my contribution based on my intrusive thoughts.

I am so excited!!! oh yeah, I already said that! :P

Just to show you two things:

1) You can never tell when the goal will shift
2) You have to actually be doing things for the right reasons

Here it shows that 'gaming' the application process, even aloborately and fairly honestly, will not pay off

The verdict is in, this Last Book Release breaks the records... again.

See Here

Check out these FOX PIX while they are still vulnerable from the stupid idiots at Fox News IT

Not the sharpest tool in the shed?

Perhaps its time to get an MRI if your IQ is below 80...

See why here, if 80 or below is high enough for you

Duh!

WICH LOLCAT R U?

I CAN HAS NTRNET PRON?

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test written by GumOtaku on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I have a PURPLE badge now:

Yahoo!














.                                                                                                                                                          .

Don't mind me whilst I die in a fit of mirth!!!

I think it is time to commit suicide. This is just .... ach!!!

I recommend to watch all 3:

------

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I suppose once in a while I should show both my softer side and my geekier side.... so here goes:

Only reasons I have shed a tear (or come really close) over a movie:

Littlefoot's mother's death scene and Littlefoot's discussion with her spirit through a Tree Star in Land Before Time I

ET's Death scene of in ET the movie

Optimus Prime's death scene in Transformers The Movie

Credit of the movie Contact 'For Carl' (I did cry a little when I heard of his death on December 20, 1996)

I saw the Twin Towers fall on TV live as it happened, from the beginning through both towers falling, and on...

Mary Jane's scene at the end of Spiderman II after Spidey leaves to fight crime and you see her look out the window at the camera after his departure.

Superman's scene in Superman Returns where he is eavesdropping on Lois and her new family.

So with all this confessions, you can see very little imagery in the media world has impacted me as much as cartoons, movies, and comics.

What brought this on was some fascinating YouTube specials I ran into and reminded me why I love comics so much and why I think they have a real place in both the art world and the real world.

I hope you all will check these out, they are long, but really touching in a way.

Comics History
Superman's History

This prompted me to give my votes for this, and ask what are yours?

( Tell me your Favorite Comic Series and Comic Hero )

Hope I gave you something to think about or comment on...

Check this out:
RIAA
WTO

These two are almost identical in their structure and methodology.

Really creepy!

I Am A: True Neutral Elf Druid Ranger


Alignment:
True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Find out What D&D Character You Are, courtesy of Zinious Software corporation



Detailed Results:

</b>Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- (0)
Neutral Good ---- X X X X (4)
Chaotic Good ---- X X X X X (5)
Lawful Neutral -- X (1)
True Neutral ---- X X X X X X (6)
Chaotic Neutral - X (1)
Lawful Evil ----- (-2)
Neutral Evil ---- (-3)
Chaotic Evil ---- X (1)

Race:
Human ---- (0)
Half-Elf - (-1)
Elf ------ X X X X X X X X (8)
Halfling - (-6)
Dwarf ---- (-1)
Half-Orc - (0)
Gnome ---- (-4)

Class:
Fighter - (0)
Ranger -- X X X X X X X X (8)
Paladin - (-1)
Cleric -- X X X X X (5)
Mage ---- X X X X (4)
Druid --- X X X X X X X X X (9)
Thief --- (-5)
Bard ---- X X X (3)
Monk ---- X X X X X X X (7)

I have great news!

I have been offered to convert.

I am now going to be a real...



Here is the sound of my work, just don't know who Kai is...

I am so glad I am a home owner:
Tenant's Worst Nightmare

Tides

Rushing sound foaming in my ear
Telling me all the things I fear

Salty sand penetrates my skin
Encrusting all I believe in

I fight the pull, reaching out
My heart floats full of doubt

Hair floating up and rocked by waves
Silence and eternity my hear braves

Beating in my ears, burning in my chest
Sinking into pain, hoping or the best

Each eye beholds a different beauty of the deep

One dark and silent still
One light and openly shrill

One openly sharing secrets
One secretly sharing openness

One a serious lover
One a lover seriously

Twin moons, waxing and waning
Give and take, I am pushed and pulled

My hearts blood pulses with the tides....

Ok, most of you have seen these...

But they are just too classic to pass up a post for at some point...

This calls for a great game of 'Name that Anime' (Double Points if you can name the episode, Quad Points if you can explain the episode in the story-arc):

( Movies )
And thus concludes my post for today....

OK, if you don't like this, your dumb:

.... That the movie Perfect Storm could have turned out just a bit different:
Go here to see how different

Digging my grave

Flinging dirt in my face
Shoveling waste in my mouth
Clawing for absolution
Flailing in the muck

Sinking, squirming
Stinging, burning
Stabbing, churning

Bearing my own cross
Pounding my own nails
Beating my face with steel
Stabbing my heart with lead

Licking my wounds
Drinking foul blood
Holding my hands
Singing with pain

Mired in dark filth
Sloshing in my soul
Acid burns my flesh
Corrodes all I hold dear

Sweating and toiling
Hefting and coiling
Digging and soiling

Bones shatter and stab
Muscles rot and fester
Tendons stretch and snap
Love is lost and buried

As I dig

Midnight Stroll

When traveling is living
When distance is time
Stardust, lights, and beauty
Your dreams can be
Your fears can die

When darkness is welcome
When lights pave way
Colors cleanse your mind
Your heart can fly
Your mind can race

When you can see me
When your distance closes
Touch and taste combine
Your body talks to me
Your words caress

When I can take you
When I can make you
Flesh and bone combine
Your spirit can flow
Your eyes beckon